It’s been awhile since I wrote a blog post and I wanted to say I am so sorry! The 4th round of chemo came like a huge hurricane and wiped away all of my energy. I didn’t get off the couch for a few days and it was horrible! I didn’t want to do anything but lay down all day. For people who know me, you know that is NOT me. I’m always doing something or going somewhere.
I’ve been thinking a lot and of course wondering how this has happened to me because I am so healthy. Then again, I keep telling myself that cancer doesn’t discriminate. However, it’s also hard when everyone else’s life seems to go on. I don’t mean this in a bad way, but it’s so difficult to be struggling for your life with constant doctors appointments, getting injected with poison and feeling so sick that you can’t move. It’s hard to see others happy and smiling like nothing is wrong. Everyone has a battle they are dealing with but because of social media these days, we are constantly reminded of the happiness in other people’s lives. If they are really happy, we will never know but the constant reminders make me feel a bit down.
Feeling left out is also another feeling I am struggling with. When I feel so sick that I can’t move, I feel like I’m missing out on spending time with my friends and family. My mom’s birthday was this past weekend and I wasn’t able to go out to dinner with everyone. I felt so awful that I couldn’t be a part of the fun. I hate the feeling of others having fun without me.
I just want my life to be NORMAL. Is this bad to think? I want to eat food that doesn’t taste like metal or plastic. I want long flowing hair that I can throw up in a bun. I want to go on a vacation and just relax with a pina colada. (This WILL happen when I am done, I promise you. 😉 ) I want to wake up early for work, go to work, come home, make dinner and hang out with my boyfriend and dog feeling happy. I want to live my life knowing that this cancer will NEVER come back, but of course, we don’t know what the future has in store for us. I don’t want to constantly worry. I just want to be happy with my life. It’s that simple.
As for now, I have to keep checking treatments off my calendar and thinking about how AMAZING I am going to feel when I am done. Everything is temporary and treatment will soon be over!
Be kind to yourself.